I learnt crucial lessons today about Maybe-ism.

Extracts from an article titled "What's true and what's not" by Gary Hayden

In summary....
He referred to a story about 6 blind men who touched an elephant and all had a different opinion.

Man # 1: He touched a leg and thought the elephant was a pillar.
Man # 2: He touched an ear and thought it was an enormous fan. 
Man # 3: He touched the torso and thought it was a wall.
Man # 4 : He touched the tusk and thought it was a spear
Man # 5 : He touched the trunk and thought it was a snake.
Man # 6 : He touched the tail and thought it was a rope.

So each man insisted that he was right and everyone else was wrong.

The writer also wrote about quibbles with his wife, about how she became angry with him for watching TV when he promised to clean the kitchen. Despite his explanations that he was tired from work, she refused to accept it. Both insisted that they were right and the other was wrong.

Well, that sounds like a lot of us, doesn't it? I know I can be very insistent on my views too and sometimes even impose my opinions on others subconsciously. And according to my mom, I can be perceived as being very righteous or "black and white". Didn't know I came across as that! Reflecting upon it, maybe I can be sometimes. For instance, my views on homosexuality affected my friendship with my friend, in the sense that she didn't really want to open up to me in fear of me judging her or cutting off ties with her. Man, was I really too strong on her? It's so hard to be a true friend sometimes, what I tell you is what I want for you (which is in my opinion, the best) but that may be totally not what you want. I have my beliefs and give you my opinion but in turn you start to distance yourself because my advice is too hard to swallow. Yet, if I sit here, keep quiet; I don't think I'm caring enough for you either. Dilemma.

So imagine if it's a relationship.... just multiply the complications by 10.

However, it seems like there is hope. To make things better, the writer brings to light the concept of Maybe-ism (or syadvada). Vardhamana, a Jain (from India) philosopher taught that all viewpoints are partial. To help us more, we ought to add a "maybe" to whatever view we may have. The story about the blind men teaches us that "there may be some truth to what someone else says, even if we cannot see it ourselves." So true, indeed. We sometimes forget that we are not the only ones who make sense and I realize over the years, through meeting people and going through experiences, that looking at it from the other party's viewpoint is essential in making things work or resolving issues. There's a story behind everyone's actions and opinions, including mine. There isn't a real right or wrong, it's Maybe we just have to open our minds a little and be more accepting, no matter how strong our own beliefs are.M

its almost 3 in the morning and i'm hardly ready for bed, despite consuming alcohol which usually makes me sleepy. i actually enjoyed drinking beer today! i guess anything works well when there's beautiful music. it was GREAT to take a break from beethoven and chopin for one night of normal, pop music. too much classical is too much for a jazz lover. ultimately, no matter how much i play, i can never love classical music as much as i love jazz. as much as i try to immerse myself into an elegant ballad, it can never perk me up as much as jazz does. and guess what, it simply boils down to the different chords and scales used. okay i'm being over-simplistic here but classical (beethoven esp) is not for everyone. i absolutely empathize with those who fall asleep during orchestral concerts. it's not intentional but it's very technical, everything is 1-2-3-4, bum-bum-bum-bum, for over 10 pages, no change of speed usually...........you get my drift.

I'm pretty open to most types of music (except heavy metal, i still need my ears) and can appreciate the melodies to a large extent but there's always a preference. i actually love baroque, it's polyphonic texture and how everything blends in so well together, the recurring theme that returns in a different key... genius. Bach <3 classical - as above, so below. romantic is full of emotion, so if your imagination runs wild and you have mood swings, this is your genre. 21st century - it really depends. there's some terribly strange compositions out there which hardly seem to have direction and are simply too abstract to even frame it. Astor Piazzolla is my favourite composer of all time; not a single piece of his can bore me. its the syncopation, decoration and structure that he uses which stands out and for some reason my ears and fingers like it. natural instincts. it's a pity the masses still don't know him, maybe to them his music is too out of this world. to each his own.

alright, i'm gonna dream of my dream piano-cello duet by Piazzolla called Le Grand Tango which I should put aside till after auditions but it's too addictive. FOCUS - BEETHOVEN AND CHOPIN.

I've gotten past the 4th of March. It wasn't entirely easy, yeah I spent it pretty normally but at some hidden corner in my mind, this day will never be forgotten.

well, as much as I would like to wish this person, I know I can never do so, without feeling awkward or unsettled. but if i really had the chance to even send an anonymous greeting, i would like to convey this.

happy birthday. it's a new big year for you and i hope you're well. how have you been? i wonder about your current life at random points in time. yeah, i missed those days and i wished i could turn back time to celebrate this day with you. i never got the chance to. i remembered our top secret outing (on your side) to celebrate my birthday. it was simple, nothing extravagant but it was one of the best feelings i've ever had. having you celebrate it with me made it special. i'm sorry that i forgo the chance to make this day extra special for you, that i couldn't bring you out for your favourite food or give you a heartfelt card and hand-made gift, that i couldn't even hug you to wish you. if there's any regret in my life, it's this. clearly none of this will ever materialize and i hope you find someone who'll be able to do this for you one day. for all that has happened, there are no grudges or hard feelings from me. so here's a birthday wish and prayer for you, 'cos that's all i can manage. may you be well. :)

we were here before and here we are again.
we've come around full circle, the cycle never ends.
when can we move on, ahead with no stops?
only when we've chosen to go past the flops.
this choice i've made, there's no turning back.
yet sometimes i can't help but feel like a wreck.
it's agonizing, torturous, killing me so much.
like scorched metal that i shouldn't have touched.
these doubts should cease to exist long ago.
bundle up together, raise it and throw.
still lurking at the back of my active mind.
eternal serenity, i've yet to find.
give it to me, please, i need it now.
i'll take it from you, i will, somehow.

it's a brilliant feeling when no one judges you but only affirms you for who you are. dark thoughts had clouded my mind. questioning existence and whether there was worth in this human being. the times when you feel misunderstood. and someone comes along, props you up, shows you your life in a completely different perspective. you raised me up, together with my value and worth of existence. not just anyone can do that, and i'm grateful to have your ears.

A page of my diary, something i wrote almost half asleep.

An over-thinking mind that wonders about things that are yet to be. A silly burden placed on my heart. Love, seems too complex to ever materialize. On one hand, jumping into it is harmful but dragging it is not advisable either. So how? Knowing what he's really like and finally knowing that he's the one for you. How would I ever be able to tell? What is the sign? Complicated, that's it.

It feels like I'm far from it. When will the bread be baked properly to be served? When will the fruit be ripe? When will the glass be full, not half full. When will my eyes be opened wide enough to see the world clearly for what it truly is?

All my unanswered questions waiting to be answered by someone. Am I supposed to find out all by myself?

Maybe it is such. Maybe it all will unfold in no time. Maybe the ride of my life is going to speed up soon and I ought to be prepared. Maybe, only time will tell. Anything seems possible. Anything at all. There isn't a must in life, only maybes, ifs. Grey areas aplenty. Always find myself stuck in those. And you know what, I'll take it as it comes. I'll take it if it's mine. Someone will help.

i've been inspired to write about my year.
it hasn't been long or short.
things could have been better but the best things have happened to me too.

things to remember:
i know i love, adore and simply must have children. the sight of them melts my heart, the sound of their voices perks me up and being with them brings absolute joy to me! in whatever work I do I hope to involve children, either teaching or treating them.

i decided to pursue what i love; music. it's been a rough journey, one filled with soaring highs and sinking lows, one with radiant smiles and bitter tears. but that's how love grows, without sorrow there is no joy. and all these have made me realized that I still love it. the draining hours i'll have to endure practising, the commitment and devotion to reach there. i know it will be worth it. no turning back now.

i've learnt to let go of the people precious to me. with friends going everywhere, i felt another void in my life. but despite not wanting them to go, i'm much more happy to see them enjoying what they're doing and all my negative emotions fly away. i'm happy if you are, friend. and absence only makes the heart grow fonder. now when i see you, i treasure you so much more. friends i've grew apart from, it's sad but we all move on. at the same time I made new friends too! I may not be very close to them but it's a start.

i've done more reflection in 2010 than i've ever done in the previous decade. on the way to work, to class, meeting people, going home, i contemplated about everything, the day spent and random memories that flowed into my mind. continuous reconnection with myself made me more aware of what i was becoming and who i wanted to become. it's within my control.

i tried out many things! bossini, travelled alone to penang and HK, teaching, wedding, another recital, events, art workshop, singing, guitar, singapore arts fest, chicago! <3, dans: fest's uprising/in your rooms, mothering my siblings, pubbing (no clubbing yet) and more awesome HK dramas :D

i've realized how much people believe in me when sometimes i feel so lousy about myself. it's just amazing. thank you.

regrets?
I shall not live with any.

resolutions?
not really (i never keep them) but perhaps I could exercise more and panic less? persevere x everyday

eleven, eleven, eleven. my birthday this year. better be good.

have you ever felt like returning to the arms of that person?
placing your head on his shoulder when you're tired.
being hugged so tightly when you're crying.
holding hands while strolling down an empty street.
giving each other a kiss goodbye.
hearing his voice to soothe your rapid emotions.
or just talking all day, all night long with no worries in the world.

why do i still seek when i didn't want it anymore?
and when i finally do have you, will i want to keep you in my hold forever?

i find myself so fickle. sometimes i really miss those days and at other times i wished that certain things didn't have to happen.
i see people seemingly so sweet and happy in their relationships and wonder... are they really?
i can't judge of course, but i do hope they are. because i would want to be happy in my relationship.
perhaps for the next person i meet, i shall not think too much nor jump into it either.
thinking too much, as i've learnt from a book i borrowed today, can cause even more regrets or dissatisfaction than when you think less.
Likewise, more options does not necessarily mean greater happiness. yes there are more varieties to choose from, but you end up weighing the pros and cons and at the end don't feel like choosing anything.

sigh, i still think relationships are way too complicated. it's striking a balance that's tough. and i know this sounds strange, but i think i need to quarrel more in the next one i'm going to have. hahaha. not kidding, i AVOID disagree outloud quite frequently. so more frankness and the willingness to accept that arguments can only make a relationship stronger. not too much of course, it can tip the other end of the scale.

there is no fool-proof idiot's guide to relationships or love guru who can dictate to you how to handle your love life. alot of it comes from gut feeling? with a pinch of rationality. i say a pinch because love is mostly irrational. like i can't totally explain why i love him or am willing to do so much for him. there are qualities that i favour and so on, but there is something else that causes me to just melt and go crazy. for no tangible reason.

so although single life is free and easy, i'd still like to find someone one day. i really do. how, where, when, WHO, I'm waiting to be surprised.

 

The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They're constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP's life, and because they are focused on keeping "centered", the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be "gushy" and insincere, and generally "overdo" in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP's family members.

An ENFP who has "gone wrong" may be quite manipulative - and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child's best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they're doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

my supposed match INFJ is found amongst 1% of the entire population. happy hunting.

this whole week has gotten me into a contemplative mood. maybe it's a result of watching inception twice :D but also because i realize karma does exist. i've believed in karma all along, but more so recently. sometimes losing someone means gaining another. is that real? i never knew the pain of losing someone could be as great as the joy of connecting with someone so intensely. the burden, tears, frowns, disappointment all bundled into one can somehow be replaced with the hope, smiles, love and sheer bliss packaged as a gift, complete with a ribbon on the top. it seems like it's happening. i won't go as far as saying that it's a blessing in disguise but really, the further i feel from the older friend, the nearer i'm going to the newer one. strange phenomena.

it's so extremely heartening to know that you can connect to someone. there's no explanation for it, you just understand each other's minds without having to throughly explain yourselves. and you agree upon so many things. and that enlightening moment when the Oh I'm Not The Only One Who Thinks Like That feeling hits. it's a beautiful, profound feeling which i can't stop trying to relive. so maybe i do strive to be different. I don't like being like everyone else. That's just boring. I want people to see a ring, hear a song, read a book and say That's So Astrid. There's this 'me' trait that others can recognize and it's not because I want to be in the spotlight or known by everyone else. I only desire to be my true self. No conforming, no following the crowd or trying to fit in. Of course I don't want to be out of this world or an impossible person to deal with. But I definitely won't put on a mask just to please you.